One of the first poems I wrote lOl. It is a one image poem. Enjoy :)
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Hogging the machine,
She sits and stays.
In Aeropostale,
She drinks slowly.
Water washes
Her throat.
Doing double nothing
For the spare tire
She carries.
Her workout
Seems senseless,
However she hogs.
She rises.
She waddles
Off. Useless water
Still tagging along
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It was depressing and not perticularly insightful. You got the mental piicture across but i couldn't say it was perticularly beautiful.
ReplyDeleteThis is zutial from the botb forums.
ReplyDeleteFirst of all, I find this kind of funny, gives a pretty good mental picture, it's quaint.
But, there's a lot of irrevelent lines, fluff. Such as...
'Doing double nothing
For the spare tire'
What spare tire? Or is she tired, like weary? Of course in poetry poetic liscence is almost unlimited, as long as it makes some sense.
There's some more irrevelency, but you get the picture.
As I said before, flow is essential in any poetry, especially free form poetry. In this, the flow is like a rocky stream to say bluntly. The 'Aeropostale' in the first verse messes with the flow there. Many consecutive lines have some flow, but only some. I can't say I've tried this, but try using the same amount of syllables in each line, at least in consecutive lines.